Category: Family

Hey guys! I’m so sorry for not posting in a few days. My mom passed away two months ago and I’ve really been struggling with the grief and depression that comes along with your very best friend dying. She was my rock, my world, my everything…my reason for breathing and getting up everyday and to go on without her has been a struggle. But I’ve been doing better the past couple of days and am so grateful that I have Bobby by my side to help me through it because I don’t know if I could have survived the grief without him. I went on a job interview yesterday and don’t think I got it and I’ve got another one tomorrow so we’ll see how that goes. I took a few days off from camming but am getting back into it again today so that helps a lot to keep me busy and my mind off of things. I still love flirting with my fans online and am always glad when I get to play with them and release some of this sexual tension! I’ll be posting more on here so keep checking back. 😉

My Uncle Richard died a few days ago and his funeral is Monday at 10 am. I’m undecided if I want to go. I wasn’t really that close to him. He’s my mom’s brother and it’s so weird they died 2 weeks apart! I don’t want anymore people dying! Geez. But my brother, his wife, and kids invited me over for dinner at their rental house on Sunday night for burgers so I might just go. I really miss my niece and nephews.  I love them. It’s just the rest of the family I’m not that crazy about. I’m not that close with my family, although I love them, we don’t necessarily get along. My mom was my whole world, my family, my life, my everything, and she’s gone now so it’s hard.

But I’m thankful because I have camming to take my mind off of things. I spend a lot of time on my webcam and it distracts me while getting to have fun with my fans so that has been a huge help lately. My sex drive has been through the roof lately. I’ve been bugging Bobby for a ton of sex but my pussy just has been in overdrive needing a lot of love and attention lately. Hehe. 😉

I’m still hanging on and trying to move forward with my life, although I’m suffering a tremendous amount of grief and loss over my mom dying 12 days ago. I miss her so much I can’t stand it and I have a lot of guilt over mistakes that I’ve made. She was my very best friend, my reason for living, my reason for breathing, my reason for getting up in the morning, and now that she’s gone, I’m having trouble finding reasons to get out of the bed in the morning. It’s just like this huge hole inside my heart is missing and will never heal. I try and stay busy and stay strong. I’ve been spending a lot of time with my cats and with Bobby. My Uncle Phillip came over Sunday to bring some of my mom’s things from the funeral like flowers and the eulogy and funeral programs. It just hurts so bad that she died. I’ve never experienced a loss this profound before. They say time heals all wounds. I hope they’re right because this pain now seems never ending and I’m just devastated and shattered on the inside. I feel so lost without my best friend here. I died with her that day and I’ll never be whole again. 🙁

My beautiful mother was laid to rest today. I skipped the funeral. For a lot of reasons. My mom and I haven’t been close to her side of the family for years. We always declined invitations, on the rare occasions we were invited. Our family has hurt us both a lot. Also, I even told my mother a few months ago before she got sick, that I wouldn’t go to her funeral because it would hurt too much. And I meant it. I said my goodbyes to her yesterday in the funeral home and they did an excellent job with her hair and makeup. I’ve never seen her so beautiful before. I got such a peaceful sense of being around her yesterday I was her care taker these past few years and even helped her after death by helping to plan the funeral, even though I chose not to attend. I want to remember her in happier times when she was living. I just wanted to be alone today and not see or talk to anyone.  I even shut my phone off, smoked a blunt, and laid down for a nap and just enjoyed the day to myself thinking about my mom. I’m so happy she’s at peace now. Now I’m thinking/focusing on my future and what my next step is. Maybe I can move somewhere new where no one knows me. Just start over. I don’t know. But I have my whole life ahead of me and I’m gonna make my mama proud. She was an amazing mother and we have always been incredibly close since the moment I was born. We were closer than most mothers and daughters. She was my best friend. My reason for breathing. My reason for living. My reason for waking up in the morning. I still have a reason for living though. My faith in God, my cats, Bobby, my father, my sister, and my friends and my fans!!!!! I’m gonna be okay. I got this. 😉

Sorry for the lack of updates lately, guys! I mean, I’m still camming and doing shows and everything and getting to interact with my fans is helping me so much with the loss of my mom. I’m still missing her like crazy. She passed way 6 days ago and I’m beyond devastated. More than words can say. A piece of me died with her that day. COVID killed her and her heart finally gave out and just stopped. I know she’s with the Lord now and isn’t suffering anymore, but dang, I’ve never experience a sadness or a loss this profound before. I’m trying not to cry or let myself feel anything because once I start crying, I can’t stop. Yesterday was especially bad but I pulled through it. But like I said, I’m still doing cam shows several hours a day and that’s helping keep me occupied and have some fun! I’m working over on Streamate a lot now camming for them and make decent money. I need to get more active on LoyalFans again (like OnlyFans but better….there’s a link here on my site). My weed man also hooked me up so I spent most the day high and in a good mood. Lol. I needed that. 😉 I’m gonna pass out and sleep real good tonight. Lol.

Wow, I cannot believe I spent 8 hours on cam last night! I’m really trying to hustle to pay my bills and get some money back in savings, plus honestly, I get so lonely lately with my mom sick in the hospital, that getting to talk to my fans and interact with them and play, really takes my mind off of things and cheers me up, even for just a little while. Camming and playing is a great distraction. And a big thanks to a special fan who cared enough about me to send me some gift cards and help out financially! It’s been a huge blessing and put a smile on my face for the first time in a long time where I was genuinely happy. He knows who he is. I love my fans!!! 😉

I made pork chops and chicken flavored rice tonight for dinner for Bobby. I just need to decide on a vegetable. I’m just hoping he likes it but he always seems to love my cooking which makes me happy.

My brother is a selfish, mean, controlling asshole with no fucking heart. We got into it last night and this morning over my mom’s care and he said some pretty hurtful things and it just killed me and what’s worse, he doesn’t even care. I cannot wait until this asshole is out of my life for good. The only reason I’ve maintained any sort of relationship with him was for the sake of my mother and she’s fighting for her life in the ICU and he is in just denial about the severity of the situation and is wanting to keep her alive on machines with no hope of her waking up and she wouldn’t want that. It just hurts that her suffering is causing a rift between us. My mother wouldn’t want this. It’s breaking my heart how mean he was, and what’s worse, he doesn’t even care.

Life is going good right now! It’s cold outside (fucking freezing!!!) and there’s some snow on the ground but I’m hoping it’s nice enough outside to get out of the house tomorrow to go and do something because I am getting some major cabin fever. I decided to splurge today and order lunch from Arby’s and it was scrumptious.

I’ve had so much going on with my mom. She’s on full life support from the effects of COVID and we still don’t know if she’s going to make it. She’s unconscious, sedated, and in a medically induced coma, all trying to get her lungs to heal. There’s been no significant changes but we’re still praying and hoping for a miracle.

I’m just completely exhausted. I’ve lost 17 lbs in 3 weeks and am not getting enough sleep. I’m just running on empty. All I want is for my mom to be okay and come home but I just don’t know if or when that will ever happen. I’m just trying to stay busy and go on with my life. Being on my webcam and interacting with fans and just chilling and having fun definitely helps. 😉

My mom was put into a medically induced coma yesterday and put onto a ventilator to help her breathe. Essentially, she’s  on life support. This COVID is absolutely destroying her and I don’t know if she’s going to make it out alive and my heart is broken. I’m absolutely devastated. I’m trying to go about my normal life and focus on camming and interacting with fans and I’ve been staying busy with friends, family, and my fiance Bobby. So I’m hanging in there.  I spent the day with family yesterday as they hooked my mom up to the machines to help her breathe and they were a huge support and amazing. I don’t know what’s going to happen but all I know is I love my mother more than my own life and I’d give anything to make her better and bring her home. That woman is my heart and my soul and my reason for living. We’ve always been exceptionally close so it’s just brutally painful to see her suffering like this and to see the fear in her eyes yesterday before they put her under and hooked her up to life support. The last thing I said to her was I loved her. 🙁

It felt so good to stay at home all day yesterday and just lay around in bed and on the couch doing absolutely nothing. I’ve been sick with COVID for a week and while it’s improved some, I’m still pretty sick and out of it. I caught it from my mom who surprisingly enough, got it when she was recently in the hospital, and they discharged her and 4 days later, she’s back in the hospital because of COVID – that she got while in the hospital! She’s elderly, diabetic and disabled so she’s a high risk COVID patient so she’s quarantined on a floor in the hospital hooked up to an IV and antibiotics trying to beat this shit. On top of that, she’s anemic and had pneumonia on top of COVID. I’m young and am vaccinated against COVID so I have that on my side but my mom is old and unvaccinated so she’s worse off than I am and I hate seeing her suffer like this. Especially around the holidays. She spent Christmas in the hospital. But Christmas wasn’t all bad for me. I made a huge roast in the Crock-Pot and had Bobby over Christmas Day and we hung out at home binge watching “Dahmer” on Netflix and cuddling, watching TV and relaxing. We even made a trip up to the hospital to see my mom that day. It was the best Christmas I’ve had in awhile, despite being sick. I’m still doing cam shows and whatnot while sick, although I’ve had to cut back some due to being sick but as long as I have the energy, I’ll be camming! It’s hard to stay away from being naughty, what can I say? 😉