I’m sorry I haven’t posted more, guys. My mom died on Thursday, January 30th at 3:59 in the morning. Her heart finally gave out and it stopped. COVID killed her. I’m devastated beyond words. I’m mostly numb and in shock though. She was my best friend, my world, my rock, my everything. my reason for breathing, my reason for living. I got the call at 4:32 in the morning Thursday morning. I was already up because I had just got done camming a little while earlier and was taking a break before I got back on again. I immediately rushed down there to see her and she was still warm, except for her hands which were cold and turning blue. I stayed with her for a couple of hours before leaving to come home. It’s still such a shock to me. I miss her so much. It just feels so unreal. I mean, she’s been sick for a long time and had been in a coma for over 3 weeks and even spent her 71st birthday in a coma. She fought as hard as she could for as long as she could. My brother came up yesterday and we started planning the funeral. He never came up to visit her while she was sick in the hospital over the last 5 weeks which angered me but at least he stepped up in death and is paying for everything for her funeral which is good because I can’t afford it on my own. It’s going to cost thousands of dollars. A part of me is missing. A part of me died with her. The pain is unreal. Most of the time, I can’t cry just because it still doesn’t feel real. But when I do cry, I can’t stop it. That’s why I can’t let myself cry. I don’t want to feel anything but numb. My mom’s viewing is next Thursday evening and the funeral is the day after, next Friday.
Yesterday morning, I woke up around 5:30 to go to the bathroom. I was out of my room for no more than 30 seconds and came back into my bedroom to lay back down and go back to sleep when I noticed the neon rainbow colored Christmas lights hanging on the ceiling above my bed were all lit up. I did not turn them on and Bobby says he didn’t either. He doesn’t even know how and I don’t see how he could’ve even done it that quickly because you have to actually unplug stuff from the outlet and then turn the lights on and you can’t do that in 30 seconds or less. He was out cold when I came back in. I think it was my mom saying she was with me and that she’s okay and that brought me so much comfort. <3
I miss my mom so much. 🙁